||[Dec. 28th, 2003|11:20 pm]
I wrote this a few weeks ago on a napkin after leaving the doctors offiice, i just found it while cleaning my room. I dont know if I posted it or not already, so read if you havnt read it already...|
constructive criticism welcome.
Some people say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. Your brain supposedly does that to give you strength to hold on, and fight to live. She wonders what will happen when she's about to die. What good memories will she have to hold onto? She just figures that she will get to see the truth, herself going in a downward spiral starting from the day she was born. She hopes that theirs an invisible remote to make her life flash backwards so her last memory is good. The scare of not being able to control the order you see your life before you die is the only thing to keep her from killing herself. Sometime just the pure curiosity of what the future holds for her keeps her alive.
As she walks out of the doctor's office; red eyes, smeared makeup, over-sized hoodie, baggy pants, with an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. All the physcos in the waiting room give her dark curious stares, how re-assuring, crazy people think she's crazy. She knows the truth, and no matter what front she puts out with the people close to her, no matter how many times she straightens her hair, carefully picks out her outfits, fakes a smile, and laughs like a normal person, she knows she really is crazy. if only they knew what was going on inside her head, her thoughts, her feelings... if only they knew the behind the scene story's. If they knew how she cried herself to sleep every night, if they knew how she dreams of not waking up.
She walks down the hallway that smells of brand new carpet littered with people making money pretending to care, methodically one step in front of the other, her eyes locked on her feet the whole way, she makes it to the elevator and as the door closes she pictures it slamming on her pathetic body and splitting her in half. When she walks to the car she sees two cars slam head on into each other with her in the middle at top speeds. She doesn't wear a seatbelt on the way home, picturing herself getting rear ended and thrown through the front windshield, broken and bloody. She sees her demise, a blood bath, and a cold heart giving up. She looks back in time to third grade, singing that song with all the other happy go lucky kids who haven't yet experienced how ugly this world can be "you got to accentuate the positive eliminate the negative latch on to the affirmative" it made her want to throw up watching her smiling little face sing that. But that wasn't her anymore, she was completely different now. if she could go back she would. The only positive thing in her life right now was that she feels so dead and detached, yet she still gets full credit for being alive...